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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask myself, "Why me?"

Tonight is no different. I am supposed to be finally getting some rest after a long, hard day's work. By "work," I mean baby-sitting Sherlock and helping him with his cases. My job at the clinic is far easier to manage than tackling the enigma that is Sherlock Holmes. Today, he was especially difficult. It all started this morning…

…when freezing water splashed onto my face and Sherlock's cross visage was frowning inches away from mine. I lurched backwards a few metres and slammed into the wall, which elicited a string of profanities. I looked at the clock. 2:34 a.m. Furious, I shouted,

"What the bloody hell are you doing!?"

"I'm bored."

"You're… Excuse me?"

"Suffering ennui and the banality and vapidity of the common criminal class. Surrounded by tedium and the mundane. In short, bored."

"Dear god!"

There were times when I just wanted to kill Sherlock in the worst way possible, not caring at all what Lestrade would do to me as a consequence. This was one of those times. Sherlock saw my anger and was wise enough to back out of my swinging range. He had previously learned how strong my punch could be.

"What?" he asked in all innocence. "I thought you might like to do something entertaining."

"Well, the most entertaining thing at the moment is sleep."

"Sleep is positively dull. You can't say that your dreams are exactly pleasant, either."

Damn. I hated it when he was right.

"Well, at the moment I don't really care. I just want to go to sleep. God knows what's going to happen tomorrow. Armageddon, for all I know."

"I don't believe in God or Armageddon."

"Sherlock, just shut up and get the hell out of here before I kill you!" As he exited my room I threw a pillow at him for good measure.

Grumbling even more profanities, I settled back in bed. To my chagrin, a series of metallic bangs sounded from what others might call a kitchen. I called it Sherlock's Little Shop of Horrors. I hoped that it was simply a few pots and pans falling down because Sherlock wanted to make himself a bit of porridge as a midnight snack. The acrid smell and glowing –glowing?– blue smoke wafting in from Sherlock's lab told me otherwise. I swung slowly out of bed, trudged to the door, slammed it with as much force as I could (I was too tired at this point to curse, much less speak, any more), trudged back to bed, and flopped onto it once again. In a matter of minutes, I fell back to a restless sleep.

Two hours later, I awoke to Sherlock yelling, "John! JOHN!"

"What do you want now!?"

Silence…

"I trust St. Bart's taught you how to treat chemical burns."

I sat up groggily and muttered, "Oh my god…" before plodding heavily down the steps. Sherlock held his arm in front of me like a child and showed me his burn. I half expected him to ask me for an Elastoplast* with purple and green dinosaurs.

"You washed it under cold water?"

"Naturally. Otherwise the pores would open up and the chemicals would enter my system."

I examined his arm. "What were you using?"

"Nothing too lethal," he replied casually, motioning to a mix of agents whose names I knew but couldn't pronounce. "I've actually built up quite a tolerance to it."

I rolled my eyes. Wordlessly I examined the injury and treated it to the best of my ability. Thankfully it wasn't life threatening. I warned him to not tamper with or do any more experiments until I could examine it again in the morning, and to tell me if he was experiencing any symptoms following a severe burn just in case.

With a rough wave of my hand, I ascended the stairs and somehow managed to get my body back into my bed. Sleep was on the edge of overtaking me when Sherlock began scraping his violin with such menace I thought he intended to break it rather than play it. When he felt like it, Sherlock played like a god, but obviously he wasn't in the mood. I felt like cursing Sherlock until his ears bled, but I didn't have the strength. I simply lay there in agony for several hours, chasing sleep far longer than I wanted. Finally, blessed rest came.

Just in time for the alarm clock to go off.

Except it didn't go off.

What did go off was the smoke alarm.

"Sherlock! I told you no more bloody experiments–!" I raged as I tumbled down the stairs. But it wasn't Sherlock. Sherlock was nowhere to be found. The only person I found was Mrs Hudson.

"I'm sorry, Dear," she apologized, a look of sheer fright across her face. "I meant to make you a nice breakfast since the power went out earlier, but I accidentally burned my scones."

"It's fine, really. You're too kind." I blearily looked at the clock. 10:15.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

"Dammit! I'm late for work!" I blindly rushed about, hoping that I had some semblance of professionalism. Mrs Hudson salvaged a plate for me and helped me straighten up before I left. As I flew down the stairs of the flat, I called,

"Mrs Hudson, you're a saint!"

"As are you," she replied, chuckling. "And in case you're wondering, Sherlock left a few hours ago with that rather dashing fellow from the Yard."

Good, I thought irritably. Lestrade can babysit him while I'm at the clinic.

```

Work was... well, to be frank, it was god-awful. I had a deluge of patients because of the flu season and mothers-who-think-they-know-more-about-medicine-than-the-doctors-because-'it's-my-child' season, and to make matters worse, I was so exhausted that I had difficulty remembering which patients were which. The one good thing about my day at the clinic is that it went on without Sherlock interrupting me for the first few hours, which is more than I could ever imagine considering Sherlock was on a new case. I naïvely thought, Perhaps he doesn't need me for this one. Maybe he will traipse the streets all night tonight and leave me in peace be until morning.

As if to spite me, my mobile vibrated. I groaned and took it out and read the text.

Come to the yard immediately.
If inconvenient... come now anyway.

SH

"Just when I thought I'd have a little peace," I grumbled.

I looked at the clock. It was time for me to leave anyway… Sighing, I texted back that I'd be there as soon as I could. After that I firmly ignored any more texts from Sherlock. Normally I'd check every one to make sure he wasn't about to kill himself, but I had such a strong grudge against him today that I didn't care what he did as long as it didn't cause more trouble for me. The entire ride to the Yard, I focused on calming myself enough to be civil to everyone else there. The last thing I needed was being arrested. At least Donovan liked me a great deal more than she liked Sherlock –of course, that wasn't a feat to brag about, as she liked everyone a great deal more than she liked Sherlock.

"Hello, Lestrade. What do we have this time?" I asked the detective inspector. He looked at me in confusion and asked,

"Did Sherlock call you here?"

"Yes."

"That's strange. We just solved a case."

"Then why on earth would Sherlock-"

"There you are!" the consulting detective cried with a mixture of impatience and delight. He grabbed my forearm and dragged me over to the next room. Upon entering, I spied Anderson standing with his arms crossed and the familiar scowl on his face. In the midst of my vexation with Sherlock, I wondered what Sally saw in Anderson. Even with the way she treated Sherlock, she surely deserved better. Anderson, for his part, rolled his eyes when he saw me. Obviously my presence (or perhaps Sherlock's reappearance) wasn't what he wanted at the moment. Sherlock pushed me so that I stood in between them. Not the ideal position for me, but I was too annoyed and perplexed to step away.

"Why did you drag me here from the clinic?"

Sherlock positioned me in front of a blob of something -probably the leftovers of some piece of evidence- and asked in all seriousness,

"John, is this chartreuse or lime green?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard what he said," Anderson sneered. "I say it's lime, but the freak insists that this is chartreuse."

"It's imperative that we name the shade," Sherlock informed me with more gravity in his voice than he had ever had in speaking of the dead.

I sighed and stared at the puddle for a long time, running over all those absurd color names Harry had used when asking me to tell her which blouse she should wear with which slacks. I had really needed a life back then. Briefly I wondered if this counted as one. Finally, in the most solemn tone I could muster, I said,

"Actually, this is pea green."

"What!?!" Anderson roared. "You can't be serious! This clearly is lime!"

Sherlock said nothing, but his glare told me he wasn't happy with my answer. However, he wasn't about to be pushed over so easily- I could almost see the wheels of his mind turning furiously. Turning to Anderson, I pulled out my wallet and pulling out a pea said,

"Look- here is a pea. Look at that splat. The colours are identical."

"Why do you have a pea in your wallet?"

"I spilled my peas during lunch and never bothered to take them all out of my wallet and pockets and wherever else they may be."

Sherlock's eyes sparked -a sight I had come to fear- and he snatched the vegetable from my finger. He examined it so intently I thought he would burn it.

"Of course! P!"

"What about peas?" Anderson asked snidely.

"Not peas- Never mind. You wouldn't get it." He grabbed my hand and dragged me out the door, past Lestrade and a half-sympathetic, half-relieved-looking Donovan. I shrugged when the DI gave me a questioning glance. He gave me a weak smile that read as, 'I hope you make this out alive, but I'm not going to hold my breath.' That probably wasn't his intent, but either way it did nothing to make me feel any better.

Over the next two hours Sherlock dragged me hither and thither and yonder and fro through the entire city. In the rain. Without brollies* or anything else to shield us from the rain. If I could even remember all the places he took me, I wouldn't want to begin telling them to you because even now my blood is beginning to boil as I'm typing this.

After the pell-mell of today I was incredibly relieved when we arrived back at the flat. I told Sherlock that I was going to take a shower and not to disturb me, though I highly doubted if I'd get my wish, considering how the day was going. I made sure I had a clean towel, robe, and pyjamas waiting for me and entered the shower. I couldn't wait for the relieving sting of the hot water, the relaxing steam...

Instead, acrid-smelling, gray glop slopped down from a mutilated shower head. I clenched my fists in rage. That was the last straw. Without washing the nasty stuff off, I threw on my robe and stormed downstairs.

"Sherlock! I'll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled… until… until… until you've had enough… And then I will do it again! And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will jump on them! And I will carry on jumping on them until I get blisters, or I can think of anything even more unpleasant to do, and then… What the hell is that!?"

"This?" Sherlock asked innocently, holding up a jar with luminous orange smoke spewing dangerously from it. "I'm not quite sure what it is now, but it was the sleeve off that disgusting jumper you bought and failed to return."

"I 'failed to return' it because I couldn't find it! I could have bought a decent one if you hadn't stolen that one, you know."

Sherlock shrugged, which vexed me even further. Well, to be honest, everything he was doing today irritated me. I momentarily wondered how Lestrade had handled it for the past five years before remembering that they weren't flat-mates. I then asked myself if I would even be able to survive the year with this man. Or more correctly, if he would be able to survive a year with me.

"Out."

"What?"

"You heard me- I said 'out.' I'm sick and tired of you filling the house with rainbow-coloured smoke or gray slop or sticking heads in the fridge and eyeballs in the microwave!"

I must have looked like I was going to murder him or something because he picked up his violin and exited the house. Just like that.

Now I'm lying in bed, washed off and typing this blog. I suppose I could have been a trifle more patient, but I'm not going to beat myself up for bullying Sherlock Holmes. He'll come back eventually, I'm sure, with some other mad adventure that he'll drag me into whether or I like it or not.

Why me? I wonder. Why not Lestrade or some other more competent person?

I don't think I'll ever know, but I'm perfectly fine with that, because it is me, not Lestrade, not someone else.

Me, John Hamish Watson.
*Elastoplast- Also known by a more ‘antiquated’ term, “plaster,” though to be honest I’ve always heard “plaster” rather than “Elastoplast.” It’s called a BandAid© in the United States. ;D

*brolly/brollies- umbrella(s)

```
Why in the world can I not find the "fanfiction" option in the category selection!?!? XD

Here is what I like to call a semi-sequel: a story that mildly has to do with another story but doesn’t rely on the other story to exist. This is a semi-sequel to my story “Vintage” [link] This is a two-part tale that hopefully shall be completed at some point in time. If not, this can stand perfectly on its own, so don’t be too worried.

Anywho, this was inspired by a peanuts comic I saw last year. I wish I could remember the title so I could link it here, but basically Linus is wondering why he's got to be picked on, and so I thought, "Hey, this is just like John Watson!" and began writing this... more or less. XD Part II will be about D.I. Lestrade since, if y'all didn't know, I'm a HUGE Lestrade fan. XD

I’m proud of myself- this is the first (non-crossover) piece of fanfiction that I’ve written without any OCs in a while. I’m hoping to write a couple more, but... I have no idea when THAT muse will return. XD

Now, onto more joy and happiness! I mean, pain and suffering... <.<’ At least, as soon as I write it. For now, please let me know what you think in your comments! :D

Sherlock, John, etc. belong to BBC, Gatiss, Moffat, and ACD. Beginning line and Peanuts comic strips belong to Schulz. Story is mine. Thanks! :D
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:iconrosalinezitory:
rosalinezitory Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012
Lol I love muti-coloured smoke too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012
Hooray for multi-coloured smoke! :D My goal is to write fics for every colour! XD
Reply
:iconready2reid:
Ready2reid Featured By Owner May 27, 2012
I just love that! "Why do you have a pea in your wallet?" Poor creepy andersons just so confused by it :)
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner May 28, 2012
Haha, I'm glad you like that part. I added it randomly, and somehow people seem to have taken to it. XP
Reply
:iconsunflower-renegade:
sunflower-renegade Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
And the ranting threat belongs to Arthur Dent, from Hitchhiker's XD
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2012
Haha, yes it does. :)
Reply
:iconteddyichneumon:
TeddyIchneumon Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Student General Artist
OH MY WORD. Of course you have to have John put on his robe before he quotes Arthur Dent.

This is most excellent, as always.
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012
Of course! I couldn't do it any other way now, could I? XD
And ding ding ding! We have a winner! :D I was really worried that no one would get the quote even though it's in the book and in the movie (I think). I don't know about the radio show, though... I'd love to hear some of it. That'd be amazing. :heart:
Reply
:iconteddyichneumon:
TeddyIchneumon Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2012  Student General Artist
I've heard the radio show but don't remember if that line is in there.
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2012
Okay. Is the radio show any good?
Reply
:iconteddyichneumon:
TeddyIchneumon Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012  Student General Artist
The first two, the ones made before the books, are good, but the ones made after are not that great. Still worth a listen though.
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012
Okay. I'll have to listen. Right now I'm listening to Martin Freeman singing. I'm grinning like an idiot. XD [link]
Reply
:icondelfinmichelle:
delfinmichelle Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I am sooooo loking forward to the next one =D
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012
Thanks so much for faving! I'm glad you enjoyed reading this. It was a lot of fun to write. ;D
Reply
:iconiepicwafflez:
iEpicWaffleZ Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Looks like someone's about to get it on like an angry John! Loved the story, made me laugh out a couple of times XD Great pick-me-up; this one will most definitely be saved for angsty days c:
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012
Haha, yeah. XD Thanks so much! I'm glad to know that this isn't angsty (though it somehow got sappy at the end which wasn't my intent at all XD). Hope this keeps you smiling! ;D
Reply
:iconcuilpantielindilwen:
CuilpantielIndilwen Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012
Wtf, sherlock and his experiments xD But we love him for that xD To be a lovely sociopathic xD

Nice story ;)
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012
Thanks so much! LD

Haha, yeah... I actually have an ongoing joke in my Sherlock stories where at some point Sherlock does an experiment causing something else to glow brightly. I've done orange, yellow, green, and blue to date. So now I've just got red and purple, but I'll probably add random colours like pink and such just to keep it going. :P So that's why John yells at him for rainbow-coloured smoke. XP

I love Sherlock. So much. The new episode was glorious... I had my doubts at first, but I shouldn't have because they really came through in the end!
Reply
:iconcuilpantielindilwen:
CuilpantielIndilwen Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012
Ikr? Best series ever!!!!
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012
So amazing! Have you seen Hounds yet?
Reply
:iconcuilpantielindilwen:
CuilpantielIndilwen Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012
Nope, now I've to search and download it... English's not my first language, I need to watch it with subtitles xD (english subtitles anyway, but I need them XD )
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012
I think one of the Sherlock groups on dA has a link with subtitles. ;)
Reply
:iconcuilpantielindilwen:
CuilpantielIndilwen Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012
i saw it before they posted, anyway, Yesterday I watched it, so :D
Reply
:iconby-mk:
by-MK Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012  Hobbyist Interface Designer
don't really know what to write, but I really like it, and was a lot of fun, I really like the way you wrote it ^W^
can't wait to read the next part
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012
Aw! You're welcome! :glomp:
This was fun to write. :nod: I'm surprised no one has tried to guess where the crossover quote comes from, though. XD
I don't know when the next part will come out. It seems like it's a lot easier for me to think of ways to plague John than Lestrade... XD
Reply
:iconby-mk:
by-MK Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012  Hobbyist Interface Designer
when you going to write as Lestrade? are you going to write about the same time as John or the time after Sherlock left?
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012
I'm going to do both- while John is at the clinic and after John kicks him out of the house. Poor, poor Lestrade... XD
Reply
:iconby-mk:
by-MK Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012  Hobbyist Interface Designer
sounds good, but hope Lestrade will be okay ^-^
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012
Eventually... XP
Reply
:iconby-mk:
by-MK Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012  Hobbyist Interface Designer
^W^ think I am going to read Sherlock Holmes book there is down stairs in the office soon >_<
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012
Good luck! :D
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconeejitcat:
EejitCat Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012
This is awesome!!!
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012
Thanks! :D I'm so glad you liked it! Thanks for the fave! :D
Reply
:iconmrsmyrnin:
mrsmyrnin Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
love it :D
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012
Thanks! :D
Reply
:iconmrsmyrnin:
mrsmyrnin Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
:D
Reply
:iconletssavetheuniverse:
LetsSaveTheUniverse Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012  Student Filmographer
This is a fantastic idea. I love it! :la:
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconsamanthakh:
samanthakh Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Like ;D
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012
Hehe, of course you do! XD
Reply
:iconsamanthakh:
samanthakh Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Can I guess? Huh, huh, huuuu~h?
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012
Sorry, No. You already know the answer. :P
Reply
:icondna-the-authoress:
DNA-The-Authoress Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012
Guess what?
Reply
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